Phuket a no-no

Be prepared, about 70% of Thailand travel is spent on a bus

After traveling to Laos’ top cities and making the oh-so-very-long and winding journeys in between, it was time to plant our feet back on Thai soil- well sand to be exact. After weeks of soaking up the culture and, OK the bucket cocktails too, we were in need of a beachside sprawl. 

To say we’d been away for a good few weeks, we were still rather pasty and craved a bit of colour. In my case this is a shade I like to call poo brown. Bex does not go a dusty bronze, no no, for me it’s poo brown all the way. Nevertheless, I needed that cocoa dusting and so, it was time to cram into yet another MOT failed van, and chug our way from Vientiane to Phuket.

This was one hell of a long journey and involved numerous stopovers. We stopped in Nong Khai for a shifty visa check, then had one night in Bangkok before boarding another bus that would take us to those paradise sands we’d heard so much about. 

First, we actually had to get there in one piece though. The 12 hour Bangkok to Phuket journey was the one we’d been dreading. The guidebooks warned this was the dodgy one. The one where you’re stuff is more than likely going to be stolen. The one where they could gas you through the air con. The one where you’re pretty much going to die. OK, so slight exaggeration, but still this was the one that gave us the wobbles. 

Of course, me being me, gas or no gas, I was going to sleep the whole way there and leave Jenna to keep a faithful look out. Passports in one pocket, money in another and phones in our pants, we took all safety measures to ensure we survived the ride with at least our valuables. BEX FYI: On a journey never leave your valuables in your backpack. 

As it turned out, none of the above happened. Our backpacks were there when we got off the bus, we still had our passports and had only perhaps lost a bit of sanity. 

Of course this was a little too good to be true- we couldn’t complete the journey without a teeny tiny scam. Our bus stopped an hour outside of Phuket in the middle of nowhere. In order to make it on to the city we were forced to pay an extra 500 baht on top of the 1000 we had already paid. With no other option but to cough up this meant Phuket and I did not get off to a great start.

Once there, we began our usual hunt for accommodation and, having said goodbye to our American men, we  were back to fending for ourselves. As a top tourist destination prices were, not surprisingly, a lot higher and rooms were nowhere near as good value. Eventually we gave in and paid around 300baht for what I refuse to call anything other than a closet. Nevertheless, we made the most of it and began to explore.

Well, we might as well have been in Blackpool for all the neon lights glaring and the big house beats pumping. The bars were overrun with moustached men and half naked women. 

Jenna and I wondered why we just weren’t fitting in here, then we realised we were missing that vital accessory every girl needs... a 50 plus year old grease ball hanging off our arm. Phuket was every bit the cliche. Sleazy bars with western men sporting dirty facial hair chasing after little Thai delicacies. 

After one day and one night of searching for a quiet spot to catch our rays, we had to face the truth; Phuket was not for us. Whether we were too young, too tired or just too not into old men, we were not fitting in here.

And so, with the luxury that comes with backpacking, it was time to up and out. We booked our bus and boat to Koh Phi Phi and continued our search for that piece of Thai paradise...

Recoup in the Capital

Vientiane Temple Riverside Temple

Climbing onboard yet another bus, it was time to leave Vang Vieng and chug it to the capital city, Vientiane. We jumped on the VIP bus for only 40,000 kip. I bet you're thinking 'how fancy, VIP!' Take my word for it, there is no VIP in Laos. VIP means at you get at least half a seat to perch on, perhaps an open window and maybe, if you're lucky, a bathroom stop. But VIP or not there's no stopping me drifting off. BEX FYI: Get your sleep while you can.  

When we reached Vientiane we had expected a whole lot of commotion and hubble, just like Bangkok, and the noise and shenanigans, just like Vang Vieng. Instead we arrived to a land where you could easily believe a mass exodus had take place and we had missed the memo. 

The streets were eerily quiet but lined with flowers and regal, white buildings. There were quaint restaurants and, as usual, the rows of travel agents, but in general it was totally serene , like an exotic garden meant only for observing and not for playing. Vientiane was a welcome site for a bit of recuperation after Vang Vieng’s wild ways.

Myself, Jenna and our new travel buds- so popular thank you very much- we settled ourselves in a central hotel. I know, I know, what happened to the hostels. Well after a few hours of wandering we found zero and almost every hotel we came across was full. While I would always encourage a 'just turn up approach,' in Vientiane apparently that doesn't seem to work.  

Now on more civilised ground, we stripped off the Beer Laos t-shirts that just didn't seem to cut Vientiane trend, and got out the maxi dresses. They'd been dying to make an appearance and Vientiane was certainly the most classiest place we'd hit so far... 

We heard people grumble that the city was a little too quiet with not enough of that required backpacker action. I agree that were no death slides or wild parties, but as an oldie at heart I was up for a few days of pretty walks, long lies and the odd museum. 

The History Museum topped the list and provided a bit of culture to our Laos expedition. The trip so far had mostly consisted of exploring the nightlife and wild activities. Our culture vulture heads had been somewhat abandoned so this was the perfect opportunity to put them back on and learn about Laos.

That's not to say that we didn't explore the nightlife too...well it would be rude not to. We sampled some of the finest street cuisine and slurped on the sweetest riverside smoothies. It was here that locals recommended a bar that 'we just had to go to...'

Hello Samlan, our Vientiane top hotspot. 

By this point in the trip myself and Jenna had become accustomed to the odd stares and open pointing, but in Samlan it wasn’t us attracting the looks. Girls surrounded our table and threw themselves at our male companions. Jenna and I were left to shake our stuff in peace while the boys had trouble shirking off the over-enthusiastic Laos ladies. It was only a little while later that we realised the nature of Samlan. Yep, most males here were looking for a bit of Laotian loving and we had failed to realise. This gave Jenna and I a few giggles but the boys not so much.

In Vientiane of course there are the usual temples and monuments to also see that sparkle and shine. We wandered around each and posed for some Mulan-esq photos. But really that is what Vientiane is all about- having a wander and soaking up the culture.Vientiane was a pretty haven and the perfect stepping stone before we hit the next wild zone.

Let's begin our Thai love-in ♥

The Grand Palace, Bangkok

Awakening one cold, March morning to snowflakes trickling down my window and an icy chill seeping though my door, I had a thought. A thought so clear and so profound that I rang my friend Jenna right away and told her...“I want to go to Thailand”. “OK”, she said and two months, and £400, later we were on a plane heading for the land of smiles.

When I arrived in Bangkok I wasn’t met with the white, sandy beaches and beaming sunshine I had envisioned. The capital city was stifling and crowded, overspilling with an array of colour and smell. Such an overwhelming welcome had me questioning if Thailand would be to my liking, but all it takes is a few hours of this crazed wonder before Bangkok becomes your wild playground.  

Make-shift tables perch on each street corner selling questionable meats and multi-coloured juices. Crazed drivers dart every which way across the roads leaving trails of raucous noise behind them. This was Bangkok.

Myself and Jenna were in culture shock mode. Luckily, we quickly made the acquaintance of a young man named Michael who was staying in our hostel. He versed us in the art of bartering, told us how no tuk tuk ride should cost more than 50 baht and, most importantly, showed us how to sneak into 5 star hotels. 

It was vital we found some refuge from the heat and, with no relief in sight, it seemed the only option was to put on our rich girl facades and saunter into Hotel Marino. We took the lift to the fifth floor and dove straight into the infinity pool- yass. As good a hostel as We Bangkok was, it just didn’t offer the 5 star facilities these two girls needed. Ooh such rebels we were.

After Michael left, Jenna and I had to fend for ourselves. The Grand Palace was our first calling point alone. It is a shining, gold hub of pavilions showcasing impeccable detail. Entry was 400 baht (£8) and worth visiting as an ice breaker to Thai culture. But, be warned, in many Thai attractions it is compulsory that you cover yourself from top to toe. In scorching temperatures this is not ideal.

After we had sweated off a bucket we shed the layers and walked 20 minutes to the coolest place in town; Khao San Road. 

Over the last 30 years, what was once a quiet, residential area has become one of the most famous streets in the city. Restaurants and bars litter the roadside and stalls offering clothes and trinkets spill out onto the narrow street. There is a great vibe in Khao San Road day or night making it a popular hang-out for tourists. 

However, it is strongly recommended that you do not stay here. Hostel prices are steep for some of the worst accommodation and it doesn’t exactly ooze safety. Staying slightly further out means you can get cheaper and cleaner accommodation but still be in tuk tuk distance to everything you need. 

Speaking of cheap, there are many tacky stereotypes that hound any Bangkok stay. A ladyboy show, a ping pong show...yes, we did both and neither were worth it. Save yourself the time, money and rosy (facial) cheeks and avoid.

There are a few unique things that you really must do though. Visiting the Banyan Tree is one of them. This top hotel is one of the tallest buildings in Thailand and offers a view that stretches right across the city. No need to sneak into this one, they allow visitors to visit their rooftop bar as long as you don’t mind surrendering your shoes at the door and donning a pair of old man mules.

A floating market is also a vital activity, even if it is just to watch how many tipsy tourists topple overboard. It does mean an early rise and wearing a somewhat sexy hat- the thai like donning tourists in random garments. However, it is worth it to sample the crazy chaos of a Bangkok market.  

Most people travelling Thailand make Bangkok their arrival point. This means that agents are scattered throughout all competing to offer the best price to get you to your next destination. Putting Michael’s pointers to good use, we bartered our way to Chiang Mai. BEX FYI (courtesy of michael): bartering is key and the only way you’re gonna get by in Thailand is to barter the hell out of everything.

Bangkok is a stifling city that often leaves you hankering for a breath but it is colourful and exotic in every way. While it may not be to everyone’s liking, and certainly isn’t the best of Thailand, it is where every Thai love-in needs to start.