Phuket a no-no

Be prepared, about 70% of Thailand travel is spent on a bus

After traveling to Laos’ top cities and making the oh-so-very-long and winding journeys in between, it was time to plant our feet back on Thai soil- well sand to be exact. After weeks of soaking up the culture and, OK the bucket cocktails too, we were in need of a beachside sprawl. 

To say we’d been away for a good few weeks, we were still rather pasty and craved a bit of colour. In my case this is a shade I like to call poo brown. Bex does not go a dusty bronze, no no, for me it’s poo brown all the way. Nevertheless, I needed that cocoa dusting and so, it was time to cram into yet another MOT failed van, and chug our way from Vientiane to Phuket.

This was one hell of a long journey and involved numerous stopovers. We stopped in Nong Khai for a shifty visa check, then had one night in Bangkok before boarding another bus that would take us to those paradise sands we’d heard so much about. 

First, we actually had to get there in one piece though. The 12 hour Bangkok to Phuket journey was the one we’d been dreading. The guidebooks warned this was the dodgy one. The one where you’re stuff is more than likely going to be stolen. The one where they could gas you through the air con. The one where you’re pretty much going to die. OK, so slight exaggeration, but still this was the one that gave us the wobbles. 

Of course, me being me, gas or no gas, I was going to sleep the whole way there and leave Jenna to keep a faithful look out. Passports in one pocket, money in another and phones in our pants, we took all safety measures to ensure we survived the ride with at least our valuables. BEX FYI: On a journey never leave your valuables in your backpack. 

As it turned out, none of the above happened. Our backpacks were there when we got off the bus, we still had our passports and had only perhaps lost a bit of sanity. 

Of course this was a little too good to be true- we couldn’t complete the journey without a teeny tiny scam. Our bus stopped an hour outside of Phuket in the middle of nowhere. In order to make it on to the city we were forced to pay an extra 500 baht on top of the 1000 we had already paid. With no other option but to cough up this meant Phuket and I did not get off to a great start.

Once there, we began our usual hunt for accommodation and, having said goodbye to our American men, we  were back to fending for ourselves. As a top tourist destination prices were, not surprisingly, a lot higher and rooms were nowhere near as good value. Eventually we gave in and paid around 300baht for what I refuse to call anything other than a closet. Nevertheless, we made the most of it and began to explore.

Well, we might as well have been in Blackpool for all the neon lights glaring and the big house beats pumping. The bars were overrun with moustached men and half naked women. 

Jenna and I wondered why we just weren’t fitting in here, then we realised we were missing that vital accessory every girl needs... a 50 plus year old grease ball hanging off our arm. Phuket was every bit the cliche. Sleazy bars with western men sporting dirty facial hair chasing after little Thai delicacies. 

After one day and one night of searching for a quiet spot to catch our rays, we had to face the truth; Phuket was not for us. Whether we were too young, too tired or just too not into old men, we were not fitting in here.

And so, with the luxury that comes with backpacking, it was time to up and out. We booked our bus and boat to Koh Phi Phi and continued our search for that piece of Thai paradise...

It's called 'having a death wish...'

Tubing on the Nam Song River

Seven hours, torrential rain, spew-worthy roads, deathly cliff drops, a rusty van, 10 people and a whole lot of blasphemies.

Vang Vieng was designed for people who love an adrenaline kick and adventure rush. If you survive the harrowing journey up to the town, which trust me you may not, you can then launch yourself into a  a dodgy looking river. But, there is a way to make it through. BEX FYI: be safe, use your head, avoid the booze and you’ll be fine.

Vang Vieng has had a notorious reputation among backpackers as being the alternative party zone for those wanting to shun the stigma of Thai island parties- in my case I did both. 

It became the most unlikely party town hidden away in the hills of northern Laos. But it wasn’t the raving DJs or bucket cocktails that drew in the travellers,  it was the tubes... Hundreds of half naked, bronzed bodies grabbing a rubber ring and heading to the Nam Song river for a day of wet and wild fun. 

The potential 40 minute tube downstream turned into an all day activity not to be missed. Locals pulled in each rubber ring, and its occupant, from the fast flowing river and kept them entertained boogies and bucket beverages. 

The town itself is relatively small with everything you need in walking distance. This includes the many restaurants that show back to back episodes of Friends and Family Guy- a much needed home comfort. After months of no TV a little bit of Gunther is a welcome sight.

Back on the water with our boat buddies, Jen and I bobbed along listening to the R'n'B beats and avoided the electro shacks. We made our way downstream visiting the best of the watering holes as we went. Like Londoners on a bus we hopped on and off our tubes bypassing and overtaking while mingling with the locals. 

With sunshine in the sky, pumping music and a few games of volleyball (yes, I tried it again) the hours quickly tumbled away until sunset when it was time to clamber back into the tubes and float to the end of the line. 

With our new friends, the Dutch fishermen and American dudes, we linked up and bobbed down together while enjoying a game of “I have never...”(you’re never too old). The last remnants of our water adventure petered away to a backdrop of breath taking mountains and a colourful Asian sunset. Another of of those surreal “am I actually doing this moments” right there; a bunch of international strangers floating in rubber rings through a Laotian valley to a golden sunset, unreal.   

On the river there were no systems or safety measures, no lifeguards and no limits, which is probably why it is also no longer. It turns out that water slides and alcohol are a toxic combination and, after roughly 27 deaths during 2011, it was time to close down. So, two years on, the riverside bars have gone and the town's tubing industry is no more. 

Nevertheless, if a Laotian party scene is what you’re after, Vang Vieng can still be considered a hotspot. The town’s best bars, Smile and Sunset, still offer an outdoor chilling experience that’s perfect for supping on a Beer Laos. 

There’s also steep mountain ranges outside the town that are perfect for rock climbing, high rapids for kayaking and deep caves for exploring.

In true Asian style accommodation is cheap but only if you opt for a back alley guesthouse and avoid the main street rip offs.  A private room for two people costs on average 40,000kip (£3.25) per night. 

Van Vieng may have lost its former glory as the best outdoor party scene/best place to get some serious injuries, but it’s still got outdoor adventure to offer. After being so distracted by the tubing I may just have to go back to explore the rest...

Falling off the Grid

Taking the plunge at Kuang Si Falls

After delving into the animal kingdom it was time for us to leave the illustrious Thai mountains and say hello to Laos. Lush greenery, deep valleys and towering mountains- Laos is an Asian gem sandwiched between Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. It is the less frequented of the four countries which is why it remains unspoiled and has an almost innocent and solitary feel.

From Thailand you can fly into the capital, Vientiane, but really, for the rugged traveller there’s only one way of getting there and that is by boat down the Mekong River. Think a Rosie and Jim-esq wooden boat minus any colour or comfort. We’re talking splinter-potential benches and water sloshing in on both sides- not so glam.

Boarding the boat from Chiang Khong it takes two days to reach Luang Prabang. In the days leading up, myself and Jen dreaded the journey but little did we know it would be a trip that would hold significant memories for years to come. Yep we are still laughing at Bex’s attempt to drink jungle whisky on a see-saw boat, why do I even try? 

The boat was crammed with 20 something year olds all heaving their backpacks behind them. Within an hour we were chatting away to the Auzzies behind us, the Dutch on the left and fellow Brits on the right. 

By the time we docked the next day we had a whole new group of besties and were receiving invites to go fishing in Holland and surfing in Auz. We also had enough boat gossip to keep us chatting for days. Apparently close proximity on a barge equals romance and scandal (Jen and I were merely spectators). All this was set to a backdrop of looming valleys and riverside villages- lush.

Perhaps in part due to our newfound company, Luang Prabang immediately became a new favourite of ours. The city is in the north of central Laos and is UNESCO World Heritage Site so that pretty much says it all; beauty and history rolled into one colonial town. 

Prices remained just as cheap as Thailand, if not cheaper, and we found a rustic guesthouse offering rather plush rooms with hot water for only 37,931kip (£3) a night. There are numerous guesthouses offering homely accommodation in walking distance to the city and dock. Just be willing to check out a few places and compare prices first. 

During the day we visited the nearby Kuang Si waterfalls. With high temps the opaque waters made for a refreshing plunge and for those with a head for adrenaline, the rope swing was there for daredevils to make the jump. Kuang Si Falls are certainly a must.

There are also numerous buddhist temples and monasteries dotted around the city just in case you hadn’t soaked up enough culture quite yet. But, it was early evening when Luang Prabang became abuzz.

Luang Prabang’s night market is different to others. It is calmer and quaint offering a real taste of Laos life and tradition minus the usual tourist traps and tacky nik naks. That’s not to say you shouldn’t still be on guard for pickpockets though. Local cuisine is also offered off the side alleys for a super cheap price and a filling feed.

After the market we visited Utopia. This is the bar to visit. It holds a hum drum of travellers and, after the boat, there were a few familiar faces. With a volleyball court, wooden awnings and cute cushions to perch on we were kept amused until well...11pm. Luang Prabang has an strict curfew for all bars so it’s probably not the best place for party lovers. 

However, still buzzing from my failed attempt at being the cool volleyball chick, we all piled into a tuk tuk where locals seemed to know just where we’d want to go...a late night bowling alley. Yep, you heard me right, bowling alley. 

When we chugged up to the doors we suspected that despite the venue it would still be party party inside but no...there was actual bowling. With a bottle of whisky for a cheap 9916 kip (80p), it was bowls away until the wee hours. Who knew Luang Prabang would be my opportunity to showcase my inability to volley and bowl? Too lucky.

Luang Prabang is a charming city that is so calm and natural in its beauty. Offering natural landscapes to wade in and with local culture spouting from all angles, it was the perfect introduction to Laos. 

Aside from our boating buddies we struggled to find many tourists which is probably what makes Luang Prabang so special. With few internet cafes and nightlife options its created a haven for those wanting to fall off the grid. Luang Prabang was definitely an unexpected favourite.